I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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