at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
