This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My boob is missing a layer of skin
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
