Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
