I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
