I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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