So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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