Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
