On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
