My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
