So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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