The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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