The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
