Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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