Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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