look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
