Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
