I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
