I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
