I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
