Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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