How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
