Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
