There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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