My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
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We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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