Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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