walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
