Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
