non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
