3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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