I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
