My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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