Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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