She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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