pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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