I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
