I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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