I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
