If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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