i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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