my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
