worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
