hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
