i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
