bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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