he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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