I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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