stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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