I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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