that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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