i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
