I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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