thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
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