More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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