Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
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