I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
