Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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