I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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